Deep Questions for Couples: 40 Questions to Talk About

Deep questions for couples are questions with no quick answer. You have to think for a moment, sometimes longer, and afterwards you know something about yourself or the other that wasn't said out loud before.

Here you'll find forty of them, sorted by theme, plus a section on how to answer honestly without steamrolling the other person. The second part is the harder one.

What makes a question deep

Deep is not the same as dramatic. "What are you most afraid of?" sounds deep, but often leads to one sentence and then silence. Questions that ask for a story work better.

A rule of thumb: the question shouldn't be answerable with yes or no, with a number, or with something everyone would say. "What matters to you in life?" gets "Family, health". "When did you last do something that felt completely like you?" gets a scene.

There's a well-known study on this too. In 1997 the psychologist Arthur Aron and his team had strangers ask each other questions that slowly became more personal. The idea behind it: closeness grows when you open up step by step and the other shows something of themselves in return. The list became known as the "36 questions to fall in love". More on it in our guide to 36 questions to fall in love.

Questions about yourself

This is the best place to start. They're personal, but they aren't aimed at the other person.

Which version of yourself do you show most people, and which only a few?
What would you do if you knew for sure it wouldn't go wrong?
When did you last feel really alive?
Which decision turned your life most strongly in another direction?
What are you still ashamed of, even though it was long ago?
What did you need as a child and not get?
Which quality of yours would you like to shed, and which would you keep at any price?
When did you last ask for help, and what was that like?
What would you forgive someone for today that you couldn't forgive then?
What would a good day in your life look like, with no obligations at all?

Questions about values and what counts

How would you know that you're looking back on your life with contentment?
Which value would you never negotiate, not even for a good price?
What would you risk a fight for?
What does success mean to you when nobody's watching?
What is a good life to you, and how much of it do you already have?
Which rule from your childhood did you take on without ever examining it?
What did you always want to be, and why didn't you become it?
What matters most to you in people: courage, kindness, intelligence, humor?
What are you grateful for, and have you told anyone?
What guilt are you carrying around, and what would help you put it down?

Questions about fears and vulnerability

These questions need calm and trust. Don't ask them on the way out the door.

What are you afraid of that you rarely say out loud?
When did you last feel insecure, and how did you deal with it?
What do you need when you're feeling bad, and what doesn't help at all?
Is there something you'd like to tell me and haven't dared to so far?
When did you feel alone in our relationship, even though I was there?
Which hurt from earlier relationships sometimes still echoes?
What would hurt you most if I said it?
When is it hard for you to trust me, and when is it easy?
Which part of you is waiting to be seen?
How do you handle criticism, and how do you want me to handle it?

If old fears of closeness or of being left come up with these questions, take a look at our guide to fear of commitment in relationships. And if you notice something weighs very heavily, you're allowed to get support. Couples counseling or therapy exists to hold exactly this kind of topic.

Questions about your relationship

How can you tell we're growing well together, and where do you worry we might stand still?
What was the moment you knew there was something special between us?
What do we do well that we rarely mention?
What are you missing right now, and how could I help without it sounding like a chore?
What does closeness look like to you, and what does too much of it look like?
When do you feel most seen by me?
What do you hope we'll still be doing exactly the same in ten years?
How do we handle conflict, and what would you like to change?
What would change if we were more honest with each other?
What do you expect from me without ever having said so?

The last question is tricky. Unspoken expectations are often the source of disappointment, and saying them out loud alone relaxes a lot.

How to answer a deep question honestly

This is the real art. A deep question asks you to show something of yourself, and that takes effort.

Take your time. You don't have to answer right away. "I need to think about that" is an honest answer. Some questions need a day.

Speak for yourself. Say "I've noticed I often withdraw", not "You never let me finish." The first form invites listening, the second invites defending.

Stay with an example. General answers like "I need closeness" are true but pale. A concrete example makes them tangible: "Last Sunday, when you brought me coffee without asking, that's how it felt."

Say when it's hard. "This is hard for me to say" helps the other listen closely. It isn't weakness.

When you're listening: don't correct. When your partner tells you how they experienced something, that's their perception. You don't have to share it to take it seriously. "Thank you for telling me" is often the best first reply.

Don't solve right away. Listen first. Advice and ideas for solutions come later, if at all.

When it's better to stop

Deep questions aren't mandatory. Stop or postpone when:

one of you is tired, hungry or stressed,
a conversation tips into accusations,
one of you feels pressured,
you notice you're only scoring points.

A pause is then no failure. You can say: "This is too much for me right now, can we come back to it tomorrow?" And then you come back to it. That's the important part.

If fear, pressure or violence play a role in a relationship, these questions are not the right tool. If you're in immediate danger, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) gives free support around the clock, and in the UK so does the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247).

What to do with the answers

After a deep conversation you're often stirred up. That's fine. A few things help afterwards:

Brief physical contact: a hug, holding hands.
Something light afterwards, a cup of tea, a walk, a show.
The next day a short "I was still thinking about yesterday."

And remember what you learned. Someone who says they were often alone as a child and then gets forgotten at the next plan will notice the difference between talking and listening.

When the questions don't come by themselves

Many couples resolve to talk deeply on a regular basis and fail because daily life gets in the way. A small fixed habit helps more than a big resolution.

With Us2 you get a question every day that you first answer separately. The other's answer stays hidden until you've written yours. That removes the temptation to orient yourself by the other's answer and gives you room to be honest. Afterwards you talk about it. You can also do it by voice message if typing is too much effort.

If you prefer to work in peace on paper, a notebook does the job too: each writes their answer, then you swap.