36 Questions to Fall in Love: The Study and All Three Sets

The 36 questions to fall in love come from a 1997 study by the psychologist Arthur Aron and his team. They are split into three sets of twelve, and each set gets a little more personal than the one before. All you need is an hour, two chairs and someone you actually want to listen to.

What the study was

Arthur Aron, an American psychologist, wanted to know whether closeness between two people can be created on purpose. With colleagues, he had two strangers talk to each other in 1997 and gave them questions to work through. The paper is called "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness."

According to what the study reports, the pairs felt closer after the questions than pairs who had only made small talk. The idea behind it is easy to explain: closeness grows when two people share something personal, one step at a time, and the other responds with warmth. The questions raise the stakes on purpose. You start light and get braver.

Two things you should not take away. The questions are not a recipe for falling in love with someone, and they come with no guarantee of a relationship. They open a conversation, nothing more. The story of two people who did the questions, fell in love and got married is what made them famous a few years ago, but a single example doesn't prove anything.

The original is in English, and I've reworded the questions below. Each keeps the same idea, order and build-up as the original, with fresh wording.

How to go about it

Give it calm and time. One set takes about half an hour if you really engage with the questions. All three in a row is long.
Both of you answer every question. One starts, then you swap.
Don't interrupt to judge. Ask follow-ups when you want to understand something.
You can skip any question. Skipping honestly beats answering halfway.
Phones away. It sounds strict, but it makes the difference.

Set 1: Warming up

The first questions are easy. If you rush through them, you lose most of the effect, so give each one a moment.

Which person from history or today would you most like to have dinner with?
Would you want to be famous? For what?
Before you make a phone call, do you sometimes rehearse what you'll say? Why?
What would a perfect day look like for you?
When did you last sing just for yourself? And for someone else?
You can keep one age for the rest of your life, in your mind and your feelings, not the number. Which one would you pick?
Do you have a hunch about how you'll die?
Name three things you two have in common that go beyond the obvious.
What in your life are you most grateful for?
If you could change one thing about how you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell the other person your life story in as much detail as you can.
If you could wake up tomorrow with a new skill, which one would it be?

For questions like the one about age, death or your life story: there is no right answer. What you learn here is how the other person thinks, and that's the whole point.

Set 2: Getting more personal

The second set is less funny, but also less forced, because by now you've settled into the tone.

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life or the future, what would you want to know?
Is there something you've wanted to do for a long time? Why haven't you done it yet?
What is the biggest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
And what is your most terrible one?
If you knew you'd die in a year, would you change anything about how you live?
What does friendship mean to you?
What role do love and affection play in your life?
Take turns naming five things you like about the other person.
How close and warm was your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Here the temptation is strong to comfort or correct the other person the moment it gets hard. Don't. Listening is enough. Someone telling you about a terrible memory usually doesn't want it solved. They want it heard.

Set 3: Really close

The third set asks for the most trust. It helps to say out loud first: we're going deeper now, and either of us can say stop.

Take turns saying three sentences that start with "we." For example: "We are both in this room right now and feeling..."
Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
If you were about to become close friends with the other person, what would they need to know about you?
Tell the other person what you like about them. Be more honest than you'd be with someone you've just met.
Share an embarrassing moment from your life.
When did you last cry in front of someone else? And on your own?
Tell the other person something you already appreciate about them.
Is there anything that's too serious to joke about?
If you were to die this evening without having spoken to anyone, what would you regret not having said? And why haven't you said it yet?
Your house is on fire. Your loved ones and pets are safe. You have time to save one more thing. What is it, and why?
Whose death in your family would affect you most?
Share a personal problem and ask the other person how they'd handle it. Ask them, too, how they think you feel about it.

The last question is the hardest, because you show something and then have to listen to what the other person makes of it. That's exactly why it comes last.

The 36 questions after years together

The questions were designed for strangers. You already know each other, so their value shifts. You're not getting to know each other from scratch, you're finding out what has changed since back then.

Turn each question into a new one. Instead of "What's your most treasured memory?", ask "What's ours?" It's worth comparing the answers. Often you don't know what the other person was thinking at the time.
Answer the questions as you would have years ago. How would you have answered five years back?
Repeat the questions on your anniversary. Answers change. Write them down and you have something to compare against.
Do one set per evening. A whole night with all three sets is too much for a couple who've been together a long time.
Write your answers before you read the other's. If each of you writes alone and then you swap, nobody ends up just replying to what the other already said.

That last point, by the way, is exactly how Us2 works: one question a day, you both answer separately, and the other person's answer stays hidden until you've handed in yours. Then you talk about it. It's the Aron idea in small format, without having to clear a whole evening.

When the questions go wrong

When one of you uses them to test the other. Questions are not an interrogation.
When you're in the middle of a fight. Better to sort out what's going on first. For arguments, our guide on arguing in a relationship can help.
When one of you is afraid to say something and does it anyway because it's the rule. Skipping should cost nothing.
When the questions are meant to rescue a relationship that has been shaky for a long time. In that case, couples counselling will do more than any list of questions.

One last thing

The 36 questions are a good exercise because they force something that's missing from everyday life: time when one person listens and nobody wants anything. Whether you use Aron's setup or a list of your own matters less.

If you want to turn it into a habit, you can try Us2 free for three days with no payment details, on your phone or in the browser.