Questions to Fall in Love: 40 Questions That Build Closeness

Good questions to fall in love aren't the big ones. They're the ones the other person enjoys answering, where they can tell you really want to hear the answer. Here you'll find 40 of them in four levels from light to close, plus a few rules so the conversation doesn't turn into an interrogation.

Why questions build closeness

Closeness rarely comes from one big moment. Mostly it grows out of many small ones: you tell something, the other listens, takes it seriously, tells something back. Then you share something more personal. Questions are the simplest way to set off that exchange, because they hold a door open for the other person.

In 1997, the psychologist Arthur Aron and his team studied whether closeness between strangers can be created with increasingly personal questions. What that looked like and how you can use the questions yourselves is in our guide to the 36 questions to fall in love. What matters from it for the start of a relationship can be said briefly: build up slowly, and both answer.

Rules before you start

Answer yourself when you ask. Whoever only asks looks like an interviewer. Whoever does both is a counterpart.
Follow up before you ask the next question. "And how was that then?" shows more interest than a clever follow-up question.
Pick the moment. On a walk or while cooking works better than over a meal in a loud restaurant.
No question is mandatory. "I'll tell you about that later" is a good answer and shouldn't be penalized.
Don't judge. A "Well, that's weird" ends the conversation.
Don't take on too many at once. Two or three are enough for an evening.

Level 1: Light and entertaining

These questions work even on the second meeting. They give material for stories.

Which place in your town is secretly yours, and how did you find it?
What did your childhood bedroom look like, and what was on the wall?
What music played at your house growing up, and what of it do you still secretly listen to?
Which teacher has stayed in your head to this day, and why?
What was the dumbest idea you ever had that worked anyway?
If you could only eat one dish from now on, which would it be?
What habit do you have that you'd rather not show on a first date?
Which game did you love as a kid, and would you play it with me today?
Where in your life were you happiest, for no reason at all?
What are you really good at that hardly anyone knows?

Level 2: How you tick

Here you find out what matters to the other person without it getting heavy.

What does a really good Sunday look like for you?
What do you like spending money on, so much that it doesn't feel like spending?
What has changed you the most in the last few years?
What did you dream about back then, and what's left of it?
Which trait of yours did others notice first?
What do you need after a long day: quiet, company or movement?
Which moment in your life are you really proud of?
What could you talk about for hours if people let you?
When do you feel most like yourself?
What would you try if you weren't afraid of making a fool of yourself?

Level 3: What matters to you

After a few weeks at the latest, it can get more personal.

What matters more to you in a person than anything on the outside?
How did you experience conflict in your family, and what did you take from it?
What does faithfulness mean to you, concretely in everyday life?
How much closeness do you need, and when does it feel too tight?
What do you want from a relationship that you haven't gotten so far?
How can you tell someone is really listening to you?
Was there a time you felt alone, and what helped you then?
Which tradition from your family do you want to keep, and which can happily end?
How important is it to you that my family and friends like you, and why?
What was the loveliest surprise anyone has ever given you?

Level 4: The two of us

These questions fit when you've known each other a while and sense that it's something real.

What was the moment you thought: this could become something?
What about me surprised you first?
What are you most looking forward to with me in the coming months?
What should absolutely not happen between us?
Is there something you haven't yet dared to tell me?
Where do you imagine we'll be in a year?
What would you like to experience with me that we haven't done yet?
What can I do so you feel safe with me?
Which trait of mine makes your life easier without my noticing?
What was the loveliest moment with me in this short time?

Questions to fall in love when you're shy

Some people find it hard to talk about themselves. For them, a question game at the start is often easier than a free conversation, because the question gives the talk some structure. If the other person hesitates, this helps.

Go first. Answer the question yourself, briefly and honestly, and then ask.
Offer an out. "If that's too personal, feel free to say pass."
Write instead of speaking. Some people answer much more openly in messages, especially in long-distance situations or when you don't live together yet.
Ask for stories instead of opinions. "Tell me about a time when..." is easier to answer than "How do you see..."

If you take your time with this, you need neither a plan nor a list. One question a day is enough, and that's exactly what Us2 is built for: each of you answers the daily question on your own first, by text or voice message, and sees the other's answer only afterwards. That way nobody just writes what the other has already modeled.

An example of an evening

Imagine you're cooking pasta together. While the water boils, one of you asks: "Which place in your town is secretly yours?" The answer leads to a story about a bench by the river where she used to sit after school. You tell about your place. After dinner comes Level 2, maybe the question about the perfect Sunday. An evening needs no more. Three questions, honestly answered, bring more than thirty that get ticked off.

If you notice you never get to certain questions, that's information too. Maybe the topic is hard, maybe it's been avoided so far. It doesn't have to be solved, but you can notice it.

What not to expect

Questions don't create feelings. If there's nothing between you, even the best list won't change that. But they can help two people who like each other get to know each other faster and more precisely than happens in daily life. That is little and a lot at once.

If you're planning a date, there's more on how it goes in first date questions. And if you've been a couple for a while, questions for couples fit better than this list.

One last thing

Whoever asks shows interest, and whoever really listens shows even more. You don't have to find the perfect question. One honest one is enough, if you ask it and then keep quiet.

If you'd like to turn this into a habit: Us2 gives you three days to try with no payment details, on your phone or in the browser.