Questions for Couples: Conversations That Go Somewhere

Good questions for couples are open, specific and a little surprising. "How was your day?" gets you "so-so." "Which moment today did you feel good for a second?" gets you a story. Below you'll find questions for couples sorted by topic, from daily life to the future, followed by a few notes on how to ask them so a real conversation happens.

How to use the list

You don't have to go through everything in one evening. Pick two or three questions that jump out at you and leave the rest. One question you stay on for an hour is worth more than twenty you tick off.

Once a week is enough. While cooking, on the train, on the couch, in bed before falling asleep. Wherever you're sitting side by side anyway and nobody is looking at a phone.

Questions for daily life

Daily life is where couples spend the most time and learn the least about each other. You know the other's routine, but not what they think during it. These questions are light and good for warming up.

What does your morning look like when it goes really well, and what usually throws it off?
What's the first thing you do when you walk in the door after a long day?
Which household chore do you secretly kind of like?
Which meal from the last few weeks was so good you're still thinking about it?
What do you like spending money on, so much that it doesn't feel like spending?
How can you tell you need a break before others do?
Which small habit of the last few years has made your life noticeably better?
What annoyed you this week, and did you tell me?
Which part of our home feels most like us?
When did you last do something just for yourself, and what was that like?

Questions for more closeness

This is where it gets more personal. These questions are about the two of you, about what happens between you and often stays unsaid. Start with the lighter ones if you haven't talked like this in a while.

What's the first thing you noticed about me, and does that impression still hold?
Which small habit of mine do you like so much that you'd miss it?
When did you last feel truly understood by me without having to explain much?
How do you know an argument between us is really over?
What can I do when you're feeling bad and don't want to talk about it?
Which sentence of mine once really hit you, for better or worse?
When do you feel closest to me, and what had just happened?
What do you wish I'd do more often but you don't dare to say?
How do you show me you care, and which part of it do I probably miss?
What was a moment with me when you felt safe?

Questions about the future

Many couples only talk about the future when a decision is pending: moving, a baby, a new job. Then everything is under pressure at once. It's easier if you think about it ahead of time without any force, just to see where each of you wants to go.

How do you picture an ordinary evening of ours in five years?
What small thing do you absolutely want to experience this year?
In which city or country could you imagine living with me for a while?
What would you like to try professionally if nothing could go wrong?
How should we handle money so that neither of us feels uncomfortable?
When would be a good time, for you, to make bigger decisions together, and what do you need from me for that?
Which tradition should the two of us start?
What should absolutely not be the same as today in ten years?
How much time do we want to keep for ourselves as daily life gets fuller?
What dream do you have that feels a bit too big even to you?

Questions about family and where you come from

You only notice how you grew up when you meet someone who grew up differently. Family explains many reflexes: why one goes quiet in a fight and the other gets loud, why the holidays are sacred to one and a duty to the other.

What did a typical Sunday look like when you were young, and what of it do you still do?
Which tradition from your family do you want to keep, and which can happily end?
How did people argue at your house, and what did you take from that?
What did your parents teach you that you only later saw as valuable?
How do you picture the holidays with our families so nobody feels overlooked?
What was never talked about at your house?
What did you need as a child and not get?
Who in your family are you most like?

Questions for laughs

Humor isn't a side issue. If you laugh together, you can also bear hard conversations better. You'll find more in our funny questions for couples.

Which superpower would you want for exactly one day, and what would you waste it on?
If we had a band, what would it be called, and who would mess up the beat?
What talent do you have that is completely useless and still makes you proud?
What's the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you on a date?
Which sport would we try just to see who embarrasses themselves more?
If I were famous tomorrow, what for?
Which song would you absolutely not want played at our wedding?

How a question becomes a conversation

The question is the start. What comes next decides whether it's a conversation or an interrogation.

Answer it yourself first when you ask it. Whoever asks and reveals nothing turns the other into an examinee. Say what you would answer, and it gets easier.

Listen one round longer than is comfortable. The first answer is often the prepared one. Follow up: "What do you mean?" or "Tell me about that." The second answer is usually the more interesting one.

Don't judge. When someone says something unexpected, "I wouldn't have thought that" beats "That's just not true." You don't have to set anything straight. You want to know what it's like for the other.

Allow pauses. Some people need ten seconds before they know what they want to say. Jump in right away and you take that from them.

Put the phone away. Not face down next to you, but in another room. It sounds strict, but you notice the difference after five minutes.

Come back to it later. Some thoughts need a day. "I thought again about your answer from yesterday" is one of the best sentences you can say.

If you notice a question tipping into a fight, stop and take a break. Recurring conflicts can often be sorted out better with couples counselling than alone at the kitchen table. Why that can be so hard is covered in our guide on arguing in a relationship.

When each of you answers on your own first

One problem with questions in conversation: the first person answers, and the second unconsciously adjusts. They say something similar or leave out something honest. You can get around that by each writing your answer first and then swapping. A slip of paper is enough. Only afterwards do you read out what the other wrote and talk it over.

That's exactly how Us2 works: one question a day, each of you answers separately, then you see both answers and can chat underneath. It runs on iPhone, Android and in the browser, and the first three days are free. For the slip-of-paper trick, though, you don't need an app.