Questions to Ask Your Partner You've Never Asked Before

After months or years, you think you know the other person. For daily life that's mostly true, but not for what lies underneath. The questions to ask your partner below are for couples who have already shared a lot and still sense there's more. They circle around childhood, habits, dreams and how you see each other.

Why you stop asking after years

At the start you ask everything, because everything is new. Later you have a picture of the other person, and the picture is usually roughly right. So you stop asking. But people change. What you wanted at 28 you may not want at 35, and whether your partner knows depends on whether you ever talked about it.

The trick is to get curious again. Ask a question whose answer you really don't know, and skip the interrogation. If you already know what's coming, you're running a test.

Questions about the past

You know a lot about the time before you only in short form. The long version is full of details that explain why the other is the way they are today.

Which smell takes you straight back to your childhood, and where are you then?
What was forbidden at your house that was completely normal at other people's?
Which teacher have you never forgotten?
What was your first real job, and what did you learn about yourself there?
When did you first realize you were grown up?
Which decision turned your life in a different direction the most?
Which friend from the past do you miss, and why did you lose touch?
What would you have liked your present self to tell you at 16?

Questions about what I don't see in you

Everyone does some things only when nobody is watching. Or only thinks them. These questions bring a bit of it into the light.

What do you think about when you can't fall asleep at night?
What do you do when you're alone that I've never seen?
What worry do you have that I probably don't know about?
What are you proud of in yourself that nobody has ever said?
What comes easily to you that others find hard, and what is the reverse for you?
Which part of your daily life would you hand off right away if you could?
When do you act like everything's fine when it isn't?

Questions about the two of us

Here you ask about what happens between you. At first that feels riskier, because the answer says something about you. That's exactly why it's worth it.

Which side of me irritated you at first and you like today?
What do I do that makes your life easier without my noticing?
How can you tell something is wrong with me before I say it?
What did I say or do in a fight that helped you?
Which habit of ours would embarrass you if others saw it, and you love it anyway?
Where have you changed the most in this relationship?
What do you wish I'd do differently, and how best can I tell you I'll try?
When did you last think: how good that I'm experiencing this with you right now?

Questions about money, work and time

Things that shape daily life are rarely discussed honestly, because they seem banal. Yet this is often where the quiet resentment sits.

How much time alone do you really need each week?
What would you change about your job right away?
How do you feel when we talk about money?
Which task at home do you find unfairly split?

Questions about wishes and dreams

Wishes often go unspoken, because you think they're unrealistic or don't want to burden anyone. If you never hear them, you can never support them.

What do you want to take on really seriously someday, and what has held you back so far?
What career would you have chosen if money and status hadn't mattered?
Where have you always wanted to go and haven't told anyone yet?
What should be different a year from now?
Which dream has changed or fallen away over the years, and what was that like?
How important is a home of your own to you, and what would have to be right for it?
What would you give a year of your life for, if I support you in it?

Questions about what is hard

Be careful with these questions. Say beforehand that it's about understanding and not blame.

Is there something you've never told me because you were afraid of my reaction?
When did you not feel seen by me?
What do you want from me when you're sad or angry?
What should we talk about more but don't?

If a topic keeps ending in a fight or can't be resolved, couples counselling is a good idea. There's more in the guide on arguing in a relationship.

How to ask them without it getting weird

Pick the moment. On a walk, in the car or while doing the dishes often works better than at the table, because you don't have to look each other in the eye. Side by side, it's easier to talk.

Announce it. "I realized I've never asked you how that was for you back then. Will you tell me?" sounds warm. A question out of nowhere sounds like a test.

Ask before you interpret. When the other says something surprising, ask: "What was that like for you?" Not: "Aha, that's why you're like this."

Answer too. Whoever only asks stays safe. Whoever shares something makes it easy for the other.

Remember what you hear. A sentence that comes back later ("You once told me that...") shows the other: I was listening.

One question a day instead of one big evening

A big conversation with twenty questions is lovely, but rare. It doesn't happen when daily life is full. A question a day is more realistic. With Us2 it works like this: you get a question every day, each of you answers it on your own, and only afterwards do you see what the other wrote. That's practical because you don't both need time at the same moment. You answer on the train, they answer in the evening, and neither answer is influenced by the other. You can do it without an app too: a shared slip of paper on the fridge does the same job.

If you've only just got together, the get to know you questions for couples fit better. For quiet, serious evenings there are the deep conversation questions.

And questions about your partner?

People who search for "questions about my partner" often mean two different things: questions you ask each other, or questions you answer about the other person. For example: What's their favorite food? Who was her best friend in school? What is he afraid of? That makes a good game for an evening. Each of you writes down your answers about the other, then you compare. The mistakes are the most interesting part, because that's where you missed something.

If you'd like to do a bit of this every day, take a look at Us2.