Talking About Money in a Relationship: Open and Fair

Talking about money in a relationship gets hard when nobody does it. Yet it doesn't take a full financial audit or a spreadsheet. It's enough that both of you know how the other thinks about money, what matters to each of you and what you each find fair.

This guide gives no financial or legal advice. It helps you have the conversations. For questions about taxes, support payments, contracts or assets, turn to a qualified tax professional, financial adviser or lawyer. In the UK, free guidance is available from Citizens Advice and MoneyHelper.

Why money gets personal so fast

Money rarely stands for just money. It stands for security, freedom, recognition or fear. Someone who grew up in a family where money was tight often has a different feel for spending than someone for whom it was never an issue. Both are right, based on their experience.

That's why couples seldom fight about the amount, but about the meaning. "Why are you buying that?" often means: "I'm worried it won't be enough." And "You're controlling me" means: "I want to feel free."

If you notice a conversation about money heats up fast, that isn't a sign you're a bad match. It shows something important lies here. How to find your way back after a blow-up is in how to make up after a fight.

First understand the habits

Before you split accounts or set rules, a conversation about money habits is worth it. No blame, real curiosity. A few questions to begin with:

• How was money talked about at your house growing up, or not talked about?
• What do you like spending money on, so much that it doesn't feel like spending?
• What calms you when it comes to money: a cushion, a plan, an overview?
• Is there something you're ashamed to say out loud?
• What amount would make you nervous if I spent it without asking you?
• What have you learned about money that you wish you'd known earlier?
• How should we handle money so neither of us feels uncomfortable?

Listen to each other without judging. The point is to understand the person, not to audit their bank statements.

Joint account, separate accounts or both

There's no right model. Couples who handle money well have different solutions. The common versions:

• Everything together. One joint account for income and spending. That creates closeness and an overview, but needs a lot of trust and agreement on personal spending.
• Everything separate. Each keeps their own account, and shared costs are split. That gives freedom, but can raise questions about who pays what and when.
• Joint account plus your own accounts. Both pay an agreed amount into a joint account for rent, food and household. The rest stays personal. Many couples find a good middle path here.

If you set up a joint account, talk beforehand about what it pays for and what it doesn't. Also settle what happens if one of you no longer wants the account. And be aware that joint accounts can raise legal questions, such as who may make withdrawals. Your bank or a consumer advice service can give exact information on that.

The model matters less than the feeling that comes with it. Each of you should have a bit of money you can spend without justifying it, including on things the other finds pointless.

Treating different incomes fairly

If one of you earns a lot more than the other, the question of fairness comes up. There's no formula, but two approaches many couples use:

• Fifty-fifty. Each pays half of the shared costs. That's simple, but hits the person with the smaller income harder. With a big gap, they're left with much less at the end of the month.
• By income. Each carries a share that fits their earnings. Whoever earns twice as much pays twice as much toward the shared portion. Then both have a similar amount of room left.

What's fair is something only you can decide. One question helps: "What's fair to you, and what would only be equal?" Equal is easy to calculate. Fair takes into account that someone may work part-time to care for a relative, or is currently studying or doing further training.

Especially important: unpaid work counts. Whoever takes on the household, the kids or caregiving contributes to your shared life even if no paycheck comes of it. How that is shared in daily life is covered in how to split household chores. And whether a power imbalance develops between you is covered by the guide on equal partnership in a relationship.

For the financial security of the partner who earns less or has cut back on work, there are legal and tax questions, such as about pensions or ownership. Expert advice makes sense here.

How to have the conversation

Don't sit down in passing, and not right after a fight. Better is a calm evening when nobody is tired or hungry, and a clear frame: "I'd like to talk with you in peace about how we handle money. Do you have time tonight?"

A few aids:

• Start with the positive. What already works well for you?
• Speak for yourself, not about the other: "It matters to me that I have an overview" instead of "You spend too much."
• Put numbers on the table, but without pressure. Someone who feels forced shuts down.
• Don't decide everything in one evening. A conversation can be split in two parts.
• Note the result briefly, for example in a note.

And come back at set times. A small money check every few months, asking whether the rules still fit, prevents resentment from building up.

Typical stumbling blocks

Some situations cause trouble again and again:

• Secret spending or debts. Hiding debts does more damage later than the debts themselves. If you have debts, talk about them. Debt advice services help for free or at low cost, including nonprofit providers.
• Big purchases on your own. Car, furniture, trips. Agree on a limit above which you consult each other, and adapt it to your situation.
• Family and gifts. If one of you supports their parents or siblings financially, the other should know.
• A gap in money knowledge. If only one of you has an overview of the finances, the other should still know where things are and how they stand. That protects both, including in an emergency.
• Control. Whoever allots the other's money, monitors their spending or denies access is exercising power. If that's the case for you, seek advice from a support service. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is on 1-800-799-7233. In the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is on 0808 2000 247. Both are free and open around the clock.

Shared goals make it easier

Money gets more relaxed when it stands for something. A goal you both want turns saving from sacrifice into a plan. It can be a trip, a move, a purchase or simply a cushion for bad times.

Ask each other what you want to have achieved in five years. Then work backwards to what that would take each month. If the sum is unrealistic, adjust the goal, not your expectations of yourselves.

Enjoyment belongs here too. Part of the money may simply be there for nice things. Whoever only saves without living rarely keeps it up for long. A light question for that: "What would you treat yourself to if suddenly a lot of money were left over?"

Where Us2 fits

Talking about money is easier when it isn't constantly about numbers. Us2 asks you a question every day, and you choose the topics yourselves. Questions about daily life and the future sometimes touch on money without sounding like an interrogation. Both of you answer separately, and the other's answer stays hidden until you've answered yourself. That way nobody just says what the other wants to hear.

If you'd like to try it: on the home page you can have Us2 free for three days, with no payment details.