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What Makes a Good Relationship? What Studies Show

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What makes a good relationship shows up in research mostly in small moments: how you react when the other tells you something nice, whether you notice what they do for you, whether you now and then do something new together, and whether you ask follow-up questions. Below are seven findings from studies, each with numbers, a source and one thing you can try tonight.

First a word about the kinds of studies, because it matters for every statement. An experiment randomly splits couples into groups and changes something. Only that can show that A leads to B. An observation or survey shows that A and B occur together. Whether A is the cause stays open. Most of the findings below are observations, and they are worded that way.

1. How you react to good news

In 2004, Shelly Gable and her team studied what happens when people share something good. In a diary study of 154 students, participants told someone about their best experience on 70.8% of days. On those days they felt better than on days when they kept it to themselves.

Then they looked at couples: 59 unmarried couples and 89 married couples who had been married for ten years on average. People who said their partner reacted to good news with enthusiasm and interest were more satisfied with the relationship and felt closer. Surprisingly, even a friendly but lukewarm "Good for you" went with worse scores.

Type of study: observation and diary, no cause shown.

Tonight: When the other tells you something good, ask two questions before you say anything yourself. "How did you find out? What was the first thing you thought?"

2. Noticing gratitude

In 2010, Sara Algoe, Shelly Gable and Natalya Maisel asked 67 cohabiting couples to write down for 14 evenings how their day together had been. On 39.5% of days, participants reported that their partner had done something thoughtful for them. People who felt gratitude toward their partner on one day were more satisfied with the relationship the next day. For men the effect was clear, for women borderline. Feeling indebted to the other did not have this effect.

A second study (Gordon and colleagues, 2012) surveyed students and followed up nine months later. People who appreciated their partner more at the start were more likely to still be with them. That rests, however, on 51 people who took part in the follow-up.

Type of study: diary and survey with follow-up, links.

Tonight: Tell the other one concrete thing they did for you today or this week, and what it meant to you. More on showing appreciation is in the guide on love languages.

3. Experiencing something new together

Here there are real experiments. In 2000, Arthur Aron and colleagues brought couples into the lab and assigned them at random. One group got a new, slightly silly task: tied together at wrist and ankle with Velcro, the couples had to crawl on all fours across a mat, climb over an obstacle and carry a pillow, without hands, arms or teeth. There was a time limit, because there was a prize. The other group slowly rolled a ball back and forth. Each task took seven minutes.

Afterwards, the couples with the new task rated their relationship higher. In a study of 63 married couples, also higher than couples who had no task at all. The result showed up in several rounds. It was measured right afterwards, though, not weeks later.

An older field experiment (Reissman, Aron and Bergen, 1993) had 53 married couples do something together for an hour and a half a week for ten weeks. Couples with exciting activities (concerts, hiking, dancing, skiing) were more satisfied afterwards than couples with merely pleasant ones (visiting friends, cinema, eating out). Compared with couples who did nothing special, the difference was not clear.

Type of study: experiments with random assignment.

Tonight: For ten minutes, do something you've never done together that takes a bit of effort. A recipe with no instructions, a puzzle against the clock, a walk through a neighborhood you don't know. If things have gotten dull at home, you'll find more ideas in bored in a relationship.

4. Laughing together

In 2015, Laura Kurtz and Sara Algoe filmed 71 couples while they spent about four minutes telling how they had met. On average, the couples laughed together 3.55 times, each time for about a second and a half. Couples who laughed together longer rated their relationship better overall and felt closer to and more supported by each other. Shared laughter on its own was not linked to individual scores such as satisfaction or passion.

The authors themselves write that it could just as well be that couples who feel close simply laugh together more often.

Type of study: observation.

Tonight: Tell each other how you met, each in your own version. This is exactly the task from the study, and there is usually at least one spot where you have two very different memories.

5. Asking follow-up questions

In 2017, Karen Huang and colleagues had strangers chat online for 15 minutes. Some were asked to ask many questions, others few. People who talked with someone who asked many questions liked them more afterwards: 5.79 versus 5.31 points on a scale up to 7. In speed-dating data, people who asked more follow-up questions were more often asked for a second date. The participants themselves didn't expect that asking questions makes you more likable.

That is research with strangers, not with couples. But the core fits any relationship: a follow-up question shows that you listened.

Type of study: experiment (chat) and observation (speed dating).

Tonight: When the other tells you something, ask a follow-up question before you talk about yourself. "And then?" is often enough.

6. Talking deeper than usual

In 2022, Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley ran a series of experiments in which strangers talked about shallow or deep topics. People expected deep conversations to be more awkward than they actually were, and afterwards felt more connected than they had thought. In conversations with partners, friends or family, they judged the outcome better.

For couples, this means the hurdle is lower for you than between strangers. You're more likely to know that the other is listening. We only know this study from its abstract, so we give no numbers.

Tonight: Swap an everyday question for a deeper one. Instead of "How was work?", for example, "What did you change your mind about this year?" There's more in the deep conversation questions.

7. Arguing well-rested

In 2014, Amie Gordon and Serena Chen published two studies. In the first, 78 people in relationships kept a diary for 14 days. After bad nights they reported more arguments, even when you account for the previous day's argument. In the second, 71 couples had an argument in the lab. Couples resolved the conflict best when both had slept well. Even one tired partner was enough to make it go worse.

Type of study: diary and observation, young participants, small effects.

Tonight: If one of you has slept badly, put the difficult topic off until tomorrow. Say it openly: "I'm too tired for this conversation today, tomorrow evening?"

What these findings have in common

Almost everything above happens in a few minutes: a reaction to good news, a thank-you, a follow-up question, a story you laugh about. No study says that a single evening saves a relationship. But many show that such small moments happen more often in couples who are doing well.

One way to bring them into daily life regularly is one question a day. In Us2, each of you answers on your own, you only see the other's answer afterwards, and then you keep talking underneath. That's a good moment for an enthusiastic reaction or a follow-up question. Nobody has tested this format, though. And if one of your problems is the phone itself: what studies show about phubbing is in a text of its own.

Sources

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