Future Questions for Couples: 40+ Conversation Starters

If you want to grow old with someone, you should know how the other pictures it. These future questions for couples help you talk about kids, money, where to live and daily life before an assumption turns into a fight. They suit a young couple just as well as an engagement or as questions before marriage.

Why it pays to talk about the future early

Most conflicts about big life decisions don't arise because couples disagree. They arise because each assumes the other thinks the way they do. You take it for granted that someday you'll move to the countryside. He has never thought about it and is planning a step up in the city. Both are legitimate. It only becomes a problem when you find out by accident years later.

A conversation about plans brings differences to light early. That's less comfortable than silence, but honestly the only way to solve them together. And you'll be surprised how many things you already see the same way.

How to have the conversation

A few notes that make the tone more pleasant:

Choose a quiet moment. Not in passing, not after a fight.
Take one topic per evening, not all at once.
First each of you answers for yourself, in writing or in your head, and then you compare. That way the first answer doesn't shape the second.
Listen before you judge. A wish is not a decision.
It doesn't have to end with a resolution. Sometimes it's enough to know where the other stands.
Plan to repeat it. Plans change, and an answer at 25 doesn't automatically hold at 35.

If a topic stirs you up, take a break. And if you really can't come together on a point, couples counselling is a good place to sort it out calmly.

Questions about shared plans

What does a good life in ten years look like for you, and how much of it is already here?
What do you absolutely want to have experienced before you're old?
Which decision in the coming years scares you most?
What do you dream about that you've hardly said out loud so far?
What would you change right away if money and time didn't matter?
How important is it to you that we have similar goals, and how much difference can you live with?
How do you picture us when we're old?
What worries you most when you think about the future, and what calms you then?

Questions about kids and family

Extra honesty is worth it here, because with wanting kids there is rarely a compromise in the middle. If you raise it openly, you protect both of you from a late disappointment.

Do you want kids? If so, how many, and roughly when?
What would it mean to you if kids don't work out?
How were you raised, and what do you want to do the same or completely differently?
How do you picture the split: who stays home, who works how much?
Which values should our kids take from us, even if we never say them out loud?
How much room should grandparents and relatives have in our family life?
What do you need so that we still see each other as a couple even with kids?

For what really lands on you after the birth, see relationship after having a baby.

Questions about money

Money is rarely just money. Behind it are security, freedom and childhood experiences. That's why it helps to talk about attitudes first and numbers afterwards.

What did you pick up about money as a kid, and how does it shape you today?
What do you like spending money on, so much that it doesn't feel like spending?
How should it work for us: a joint account, separate accounts or a mix?
How much of a cushion do you need to sleep calmly?
Are there debts or obligations the other should know about?
What counts as a bigger purchase that we agree on beforehand?
How do we handle it if one of us earns noticeably more than the other?

The topic in detail is in talking about money in a relationship.

Questions about where to live and home

Where do you want to live in five years: city, country, abroad?
How would you like to live if anything were possible, and how much of that is within reach?
Rent or buy. What pulls you to which side?
How close to family do you want to be, and how much distance?
Whose job decides, if need be, where we move?
How much retreat do you need in a shared home?

If you're thinking about moving in together, the moving in together tips and the guide on how to split household chores help.

Questions about work and rhythm of life

How important is your career to you, and what would you be willing to set aside for it?
When did you last think you wanted to do something completely different for work?
How much work is okay before it costs us too much time?
What should be the priority for both of us when calendars and wishes collide?
How do you picture vacations and free time, together and apart?

Questions before marriage

People who want to marry usually talk a lot about the party, guests and dress. Less about what comes after. These questions add to the planning:

What does marrying mean to you, and what should change because of it, or not?
What role should religion or tradition play in our marriage?
Do we want a shared last name, and how do we decide that?
Do you want a prenuptial agreement, and if so, why?
How do we want to handle conflict so neither of us feels smaller?
What should an ordinary Tuesday evening look like in our marriage?
What do you promise me that you want to keep even on bad days?

Growing older together

This is the topic that's most often left out, because it seems far away. Yet it's often the loveliest.

What do you want us to do together in retirement?
How do we want to handle illness and care, for ourselves and for our parents?
Which traditions from our relationship do you want to pass on to our children?
What have you learned from your grandparents or other older people in your life?
What should we remember in thirty years when we look back on today?

What to do with the answers

After a conversation, write down what you found out, even if it's only three sentences. Two columns are enough: Where do we agree? Where do we differ? After half a year you read it again and notice what has moved. Some differences resolve themselves, because life gets in the way. Others get clearer, and then you know what you need to talk about.

In the column of differences, look first for the need behind it. Behind "I don't want to move to the countryside" there may be the wish for friends nearby. Behind "I want a house" there may be the wish for security. You can often negotiate over needs, but hardly over positions.

When you don't agree

Differences are normal. A wish for kids that doesn't line up, or a wish to move that doesn't fit, doesn't automatically mean the end. What matters is that you take each other seriously and neither pushes something on the other. Where it's about basic life questions with no middle path, couples counselling can help clarify the situation. And keep how to make up after a fight in mind in case the conversation heats up.

Future questions in small portions

Working through all the questions at once feels like an interrogation. Better is a slow pace: one question, one conversation, a few days' break.

Us2 makes that easy by asking you a new question every day. You choose topics like the future, family or closeness, answer separately by text or voice message, and see the other's answer only after you've answered yourself. That way you learn what the other really thinks, not what they'd say after seeing your answer. Questions don't repeat, so you don't have to prepare anything.

Give it a try: Us2 is free for three days, with no payment details, and runs on iPhone, Android and in the browser.