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Living Apart Together: Couples With Two Homes

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Living apart together, LAT for short, means you're a steady couple but have two homes. In Germany, about one in eight people aged 18 to 49 lives like this, and just over one in twenty of those aged 43 and over. For younger people it is mostly a phase before moving in together, for many older people a deliberate choice. Here is what the data shows, and which questions you can ask each other if you live this way yourselves.

The figures come from two large German surveys: the FReDA family panel (2021, over 20,000 people aged 18 to 49, analyzed by the Federal Institute for Population Research, BiB) and the Deutscher Alterssurvey, the German Ageing Survey (2023, 4,992 people aged 43 and over, analyzed by the Deutsches Zentrum für Altersfragen, the German Centre of Gerontology, DZA). Both count every couple with separate households, whether five minutes or five hours lie between them. Both only observe. They show links, not causes.

How many couples live apart together?

In Germany, 12.6% of 18- to 49-year-olds are in a steady relationship and live separately. If you count only those who are in a relationship at all, it is 17.6%.

Age makes a big difference:

  • Ages 18 to 24: 28.9% are in a relationship with two homes, only 18.3% live with their partner. At this age, living apart is more common than living together.
  • Ages 25 to 29: 15.6% live apart, 52.0% together.
  • Ages 30 to 39: 8.1% live apart.
  • Ages 40 to 49: 6.6% live apart.

From 43 on, the share keeps falling. The Alterssurvey counts 10% of 43- to 55-year-olds, 5% of 56- to 65-year-olds, 4% of 66- to 75-year-olds and 2% of those 76 and over.

Two details from the BiB report: of married people, only 1.5% live apart. And couples with two homes have been together about three years on average, couples with a shared home twelve. For many, LAT is the beginning.

Living apart rarely means far away, by the way. 48.1% need less than half an hour to get to each other, only 17.3% two hours or more. For the truly long-distance relationship there's a separate guide: long distance relationship statistics.

Why couples live apart

In the BiB report on Germany, around 62% say circumstances force them to. The most common reasons:

  • the job (30.9%)
  • the housing situation (21.8%)
  • money (19.0%)

The remaining 38% or so live apart because one or both of them want it that way. Here the most common reason is not being ready to move in together yet (46.2%). Next comes their own independence (28.6%). Among those under 30 who live apart by choice, 53.9% say they're not ready yet. From 30 on, independence becomes more important (30.6%).

Are couples with two homes happier?

Short answer: a little less happy with the relationship, but the gap is small.

On a scale from 0 to 10, couples with two homes rate their relationship 8.21 on average, couples with one home 8.30. If you adjust for the fact that those living apart are younger and less often have children, the gap grows to about 0.35 points. 31.5% of those living apart have seriously thought about a breakup, compared with 16.3% of those living together.

Before this unsettles you: young relationships are shakier in general, and couples with two homes have been together nine years less on average. The survey shows who is how satisfied. It does not show that the second home makes people unhappy.

On satisfaction with life overall, couples with two homes sit about 0.7 points above singles and about 0.3 points below those living together. The gap to those living together almost disappears once you take household income into account. Someone who pays for a home alone usually has less money left over, and that weighs on the mood.

Two findings that matter in daily life: the most satisfied with their relationship were those who need 15 to 30 minutes to reach each other (8.3 points), the least satisfied those with more than four hours of travel (8.0). And satisfaction rose with the number of meetings per week.

Who wants to move in together?

In Germany, almost 60% of 18- to 49-year-olds with two homes want to move in together within the next three years, for sure or probably. Among those who live apart because of circumstances, it is 71.6%. Among those who chose it themselves, 40.8%.

From 43 on, it looks different. In the Alterssurvey, 55% of people with two homes wish for a shared household at least a little. Between 43 and 65 it is 62%. From 66 on, 80% would rather not or not at all want to move in together. The number of cases here is small (218 people), so the percentages are rough guides.

The picture is fairly clear: for younger people the second home is mostly a waiting room. For older people it is often the goal.

What you can make of this for yourselves

The data says nothing about what is right for you. But it shows where couples with two homes are often unsure: whether it's a phase, how often to see each other, and who pays for what. It's worth having a calm talk about these before one of you brings it up as an accusation.

Questions you can ask each other tonight:

  • Is this a phase for you, or the way you want to live?
  • What does your own place give you that you don't want to lose?
  • How often a week do we want to see each other so it feels good for both of us?
  • Who usually travels to whom, and is that okay with you?
  • What would have to happen for moving in together to become a yes for you?
  • How do we split the costs that come from having two homes?

If your answers are far apart, that's no catastrophe. It's information you're better off having now than in three years. If you notice you keep getting stuck on the topic of moving in, couples counseling can help sort out the conversation.

When one wants to move in and the other doesn't

The BiB figures show how different the reasons are: people who live apart because of the job mostly want to move in together. People who live apart by choice want that in only four out of ten cases. Both reasons can be present in one couple. One is waiting for the move, the other enjoys their own place and has never said so.

This often shows up in small things. One keeps asking about apartment listings, the other changes the subject. One leaves a toothbrush behind, the other puts it away. Signals like these are easier to read once you've said openly where you stand.

It helps to break the question up. "Do you want to move in with me?" is big and can only be answered with yes or no. Smaller questions get you further: What would you miss about your place? What worries you when you think of a shared daily life? What would be a step in between, for example two fixed nights a week at the other's place? Often the problem is something concrete you can talk about: too little space, a commute, the fear of losing your own quiet.

If you're planning the step, the moving in together tips help. If you want to live apart for good, fixed relationship rituals are worth it, so closeness doesn't depend on chance.

Closeness between two homes

Couples with two homes mostly miss the small moments: the chat while brushing teeth, the comment on the news of the day. One question a day doesn't replace that, but it brings a bit of it back. In Us2 you get the same question every day, each of you answers in your own home when it suits, and afterwards you both see the answers and talk about them.

Sources

If you're looking for a small daily habit for two homes, you can try Us2 free for three days, no payment details. One of you installs the app, the other joins by link, in the browser too.

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