Long Distance Relationship Tips: Rituals, Visits, Money

A long distance relationship lasts when you settle three things: how often you talk, when you see each other and what you do when it wobbles. Everything else is fine-tuning. The long distance relationship tips below are no guarantee, but they take most couples past the typical stumbling blocks.

Agree on how much contact you want

The most common fight in a long distance relationship has little to do with the distance. Usually it comes from expectations that were never spoken out loud. He wants to talk on the phone every evening, she needs an hour of quiet after work first. Both are right, and both end up hurt.

So talk about it openly once, without a fight being the reason:

How often do we want to call, and what counts as "too much"?
On stressful days, is a voice message enough?
What do we do if one of us doesn't feel like talking in the evening, and it has nothing to do with the other?

Don't write it down as a contract. But once you've said it, you can point back to it later instead of guessing.

Build a fixed rhythm, but leave some air

A set call on Sunday evening gives the week something to hold on to. You know what you're looking forward to, and you don't have to renegotiate every day. Then comes the loose rest: a photo of lunch, a meme, a voice message from the train.

If you have to call every night at 9 p.m., at some point it becomes a "mandatory appointment" mode. That quickly feels like work. So mix it: one or two fixed times a week, the rest spontaneous.

Voice messages are underrated

Typing is fast, but it carries little. A 40-second voice message where you can hear that the other is tired or grinning says more than ten texts. And it works when you have different working hours: you listen when you have time and reply when you have time.

What you write still counts. In a diary study of 63 student couples from the US (Jiang and Hancock, 2013, source), the long-distance couples had fewer contacts per day, but shared more personal things in them and felt somewhat closer afterwards than couples in the same place. The difference was biggest when they wrote. So now and then, put a feeling in your message, next to the time you'll be home. What other studies and numbers say about long-distance relationships is in long distance relationship statistics.

Take time zones and shift work seriously

If you live in the same time zone, you can skip this. But as soon as one of you studies, works or does shifts elsewhere, the clock becomes an issue: New York and Los Angeles are three hours apart, New York and London usually five. Two things help:

Agree on a window that's halfway good for both, and accept that it falls a bit earlier or later for one of you. Take turns on who adjusts.
Use asynchronous communication on purpose. Voice messages or a shared daily question that each of you answers when it suits don't replace the call, but they keep the connection alive when a call isn't possible for two days.

Plan visits, and plan them early

The most important thing in a long distance relationship is a date you're moving toward. An entry in the calendar turns "sometime" into "in three weeks." If you don't know when the next reunion is, you live in a waiting loop in between.

In practice:

Book the next visit before the current one ends.
Take turns on who travels, otherwise one feels like a guest and the other like a host.
Don't fill the weekend with plans. A visit isn't a tour, and you also just want to lie on the couch.
Talk about the goodbye beforehand. The Sunday afternoon before departure is often hard. A small agreement ("We'll cook one last time together and then no big talks") takes the pressure off.

Talk about money early

Train tickets, flights and hotel rooms add up. You don't need a spreadsheet, but you need an answer to who pays for what. Some couples split travel costs exactly, some pay by income, some take turns. Any version works as long as it was said out loud. It gets hard when one of you quietly pays more and eventually starts keeping score.

In practice: check prices for trains and flights early, use advance fares and plan visits so they stay affordable. And talk about how long this should stay the way it is. A long distance relationship with no plan gets expensive over time, because it's meant as an in-between state.

Jealousy is part of it and not a sign of weakness

When the other is at a party on Saturday and doesn't get in touch, a whole movie can play in your head. That's human. What helps:

Say what you feel, without blame: "I was restless yesterday when I didn't hear anything for a long time." That's information, not an accusation.
Ask before you assume. The answer is almost always more harmless than the imagination.
Don't monitor. Constantly checking location, comparing online times and quizzing friends makes distrust bigger, not smaller.
Get to know the people who appear in the other's life. A name and a face turn a shadow into a person.

There's more in the guide on jealousy in a relationship. If the distrust stays for good even though nothing has happened, that's a topic for the two of you and, if need be, for counselling. That's no shame.

When you talk every day: about what, exactly?

After a few months comes the point where "How was your day?" only gets "Good, and yours?" You haven't experienced anything new, but you still want to talk. Then it helps to ask better questions than the usual one. A few examples that work well over phone and video:

What did you see today that you wanted to show me right away?
What do you do on the side while we're on the phone, and how much of it do I catch?
What do you miss most about me when we haven't seen each other in a while, and what surprisingly not at all?
What works really well for you over video, and what's only half as nice?

The questions are small, but they bring daily life into the call. And the question about what doesn't work on calls is more honest than you'd think. You'll find more ideas in our collection of questions for couples, and for a quieter evening, the deep conversation questions fit.

And a few formats that work with little preparation:

Eat at the same time. Each of you cooks for yourself, puts the phone on the table and you eat together. It's banal and surprisingly close.
Show me your place. Once a week, one of you gives a tour of their home, their neighborhood or their commute. Then you know the scenery when the other tells stories.
Same show, same episode. You watch separately and talk about it afterwards. Important: whoever skips ahead gets laughed at.
A shared list. Things you want to do together when you see each other. The list grows, and so does the anticipation.

Small gestures beat big plans

A handwritten letter that arrives. A package with a sweater that smells like you. A song you picked for exactly this day. It costs little, but it needs the thought "I'm thinking of you without wanting anything from you right now." That's exactly what's missing most in a long distance relationship.

Talk about the end of the distance

A long distance relationship with no outlook wears you down. You don't have to move in together in six months, but you should have an idea of where it's headed. Who moves? When is a realistic time? What happens with jobs, apartments, friends? Ask these questions early, even if the answer is uncomfortable. An honest "I don't know yet" is better than a shared silence.

If one of you notices you don't want to carry the distance anymore, you can't talk that away, and it deserves a conversation. Say it out loud before it turns into withdrawal.

Keep your own life going

If you only wait for the next call, you make the other person the center, and no relationship can stand that for long. See friends, exercise, keep up hobbies. Tell the other about it. A long distance relationship works best when both have a full life and still think of each other.

A shared ritual for every day

If you take only one thing from this guide: pick a daily ritual that takes five minutes and doesn't need to be negotiated. It can be a goodnight photo, a voice message, a word of the day. What matters is that it's small enough to work on bad days too.

We built Us2 for this: every day there's one question, you answer it separately, then you both see both answers and can write underneath or send a voice message. It runs on iPhone, Android and in the browser, so different devices are no obstacle.

When it gets difficult

Sometimes tips aren't enough. If you notice you do nothing but fight, that one of you is withdrawing or that a breakup would feel like relief, that's a serious sign. Then a conversation about the future is due, and sometimes couples counselling helps you have it. If you want to learn to handle each other better in a fight, read our guide on arguing in a relationship too.

Quick takeaways

Talk about expectations before they turn into fights.
One fixed time a week, the rest spontaneous.
The next visit is in the calendar before the last one is over.
Money is a conversation, not a secret.
Say jealousy out loud, don't monitor.
Ask questions that give more than "How was your day?"
Have a goal for where the distance should lead.

If you're looking for a small daily prompt, take a look at Us2. The first three days are free, and after that you pay one price for both of you.