Questions to Make You Think: For You Alone and for Two

Questions to make you think are questions you don't tick off. You carry one around for a day, it comes back to you in the shower, and the answer sometimes changes the third time you look at it.

Here you'll find thirty-five of them. The first sections are meant for you alone, the last ones for two. The two belong together: someone who knows themselves a little better can tell the other person more.

Why thinking starts alone

Conversations as a couple go better when you know beforehand what you think yourself. That sounds banal. In practice, we often answer questions with the first sentence that comes to mind, and only later notice it isn't true.

Questions to make you think give the second thought room. They work best when you don't answer them right away. Read a question in the evening, sleep on it, write down in the morning what came.

Think of it as a pause in which you listen to yourself, with no therapy or self-optimization attached.

Questions for you alone

Take ten minutes, a pen and some quiet. They don't have to be full sentences.

What is on my mind right now that I'm not talking about?
What have I been meaning to make time for for months and haven't done?
What made me really happy recently, and why that of all things?
What costs me more energy in daily life than it should?
Where do I say yes when I mean no?
What would I change if I knew nobody would be disappointed?
Who do I rely on, and who relies on me?
What have I learned in the past year that I couldn't do before?
When was I last truly relaxed?
Which habit is good for me, and which only seems to be?

A small technique that helps: write the question at the top of a page and set a timer for five minutes. Write without correcting. Then read what's there. Often the last paragraph is the most honest.

Questions for looking back

Looking back is an old form of thinking. It suits weekends, birthdays or the turn of the year.

What was the best thing about this week?
What surprised me this month?
Which conversation has stayed in my head?
What would I advise a friend who was in my position?
What have I done that I'm proud of but nobody noticed?
What didn't I do even though I wanted to, and what held me back?
What do I want to do less of next year?
What do I want to do more often?
Who do I want to thank?
What do I still have to forgive, in myself or in others?

If you tie this to a fixed time, say Sunday evening, you create a small ritual. More on that in the guide on relationship rituals for couples.

Questions for two

Now the other person comes into play. Take the same question, answer it separately and only then share. That way each answer stays honest and isn't adjusted to the other's.

What was your best moment this week, and was there one you haven't told me yet?
What do you need more time for, and how could I help?
What has become more important to you in our relationship the longer we've been together?
What do you think about when you can't fall asleep at night?
What was a moment when you felt understood by me?
Which side of you do I rarely see?
What would you wish for us for the next year?
Where do I no longer recognize you, and where do I recognize you better than ever?
What do you want me to say more often?
What have I done lately that did you good without my knowing?

Questions about your shared future

Looking ahead doesn't have to mean planning. It's enough if you hear what the other person wishes for.

What picture of us in five years do you see?
What do we still want to experience together before we're older?
What decision lies ahead of us that we hardly talk about?
What should have more room in our daily life?
What do you want to let go of so more room opens up?

If these questions slid you into concrete plans, have a look at the future questions for couples. They go into more detail.

How to share your answers

Thinking alone is good. Sharing turns it into a conversation. But there are better and worse ways.

Write it down beforehand. If each of you first writes your answer before you talk, neither influences the other. This helps especially with questions that have socially desirable answers.

In turn, without interrupting. One tells, the other listens. Questions come only after the last sentence.

Ask before you judge. "What do you mean?" is better than "That's just not true."

No answer is wrong. If the answer hurts you, say so. But don't argue about what the other feels. They feel it, whether it suits you or not.

Pause briefly afterwards. A sentence like "Thank you for telling me that" is enough.

When thinking tips into brooding

There is a difference between thinking and brooding. Thinking leads somewhere: to an insight, a decision, a conversation. Brooding goes in circles and wears you out.

If you notice that the same question keeps pulling you down, it often helps to write it down, talk to someone about it, and then deliberately do something else. If it lasts for weeks or limits you in daily life, it's a good idea to talk to a doctor, a counsellor or a therapist. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

Questions to make you think are a tool for good phases and quiet moments. They don't replace help when someone needs it.

Where to ask them

The place makes a lot of difference. Some questions work better in bed, in the dark. Others need daylight. A few ideas:

On the way home, on foot or on the train.
While cooking, when your hands are busy.
Sunday morning with coffee, before the day begins.
On vacation, where everything is a bit slower anyway.
As a voice message, when you're apart. More in the long distance relationship tips.

One question a day is enough

Many fail because they take on too much. Ten questions in an evening is rarely a good plan. One a day, in five minutes, lasts longer.

Us2 is built for exactly that. You get a question for two every day, answer it separately, and only when both of you have written do you see the other's answer. Each of you also gets a small extra prompt, the bonus, that is different for each of you. That way you always have something that only the two of you know. If one of you prefers to speak rather than write, a voice message with a transcript works too.

If you like analog: a card game works similarly. A few suggestions are in the guide on a card game for couples.

Three questions to take with you

If you only take three questions, take these:

What is on my mind right now that I'm not talking about?
What did I need this week and not get?
What do I want to tell you that there hasn't been a moment for so far?

The first two are for you alone. The third is for the other person.

To read on: the deep questions for couples and the philosophical questions. And if you want to turn it into a habit, there's Us2: one question a day for the two of you.